Thoughts on Gender and Sexual Assault Support Groups

Because the vast majority of sexual assaults involve women who have been assaulted by men, the associated support groups tend to be comprised of women who have been assaulted by men. These groups also tend to be considered as woman-only safespaces where people who do not "qualify" are asked to leave. I get where this is coming from, but there are some serious problems with this attitude and it needs to stop.

Men Get Raped Too

Men who have been sexually assaulted need support as well. They are often excluded from support groups with the excuse that the presence of a man will make the women uncomfortable. We, as women, need to get over this. A man who has been sexually assaulted by a man is in the same boat as everyone else in the room and needs a safe place just as much. On the other hand, a man who has been sexually assaulted by a woman and finds the courage to address that with a room full of women deserves to have their experience and courage respected. The same awareness of male socialization that makes women view men as people who cannot be trusted adds a big, awful bag of blech to what must be dealt with by a man who is the victim of a sexual assault. They need help too, and we need to stop turning them away.

Trans People Can't Get Support At All

A trans woman may be turned away from support groups because she is not a "real" woman. A trans man may be turned away from support groups because he identifies as a man. Unless he is allowed to stay because he is considered to not be a man due to the configuration of his genitals, requiring him to choose between support for his assault and maintaining his own gender. Either way, the trans person who has been sexually assaulted now also has to undergo a discussion of their genitals by a group of strangers and endure a judgement about their own gender identity before this group of people will offer what can now only be considered pretty badly damaged support. Imagine how a cis woman would feel if her attempt to join a sexual assault support group was greeted by questions about her genitals and a requirement to prove her womanhood.

The Strawperson

One of the common objections offered is that cis men and trans women (who, according to the argument, are "really" men) will pretend to have been sexually assaulted in order to gain access and victimize the women in the group.  This argument is of the same family as the equally unsupported "all trans women are actually male predators" that results in the bathroom panic that makes it so dangerous for trans people to use public restrooms. Cis women commit sexual assault too, but a cis woman is only barred from a sexual assault support group if she does something inappropriate. To assume that it is more likely that a man or a trans person seeking a sexual assault support group is a predator is cut from the same cloth as assuming that a cis woman who claims to have been raped is lying. It's unsubstantiated, based on false perceptions, and damaging to the people who need the support such groups exist to provide. This is not helped by the plethora of TV shows that seem unable to depict a support group meeting without it being scenery for somebody who is there under false pretenses.

All Kinds of People Experience Sexual Assault

When joining a sexual assault support group, a person of color and a racist may be in the same group. A gay person and a homophobe may be in the same group. A conservative and a liberal. A Muslim and a Jew and a Catholic. People with a variety of socioeconomic backgrounds, ages, levels of education, belief systems, etc. all come together in the room because they have one thing in common: they have experienced a sexual assault. They are expected to set their differences aside and focus on their shared experience. Gender needs to stop being an exception to this. We need to stop denying people support because of their gender, and we need to stop denying cis women the more well-rounded support that other perspectives can supply.

Proper Gift Etiquette

Dear Abby,

I work for this amazing guy. I'll call him G. I love working for him, and I really feel like I owe him everything, but he did something kind of strange the other day and I'm not sure what to do.

G sent one of my colleagues to my house to have sex with me. I said I didn't want to, but he hit me several times  and then had sex with me anyway. The whole business hurt a lot and was very upsetting. I talked to a friend about this, but since I got pregnant from the event, my friend says that I must have wanted to have sex with my colleague after all or I wouldn't have gotten pregnant.

I asked why G did this and was told by someone who says they were at the meeting that G thought I was doing a good job and he wanted to do something really nice for me, so he got me a baby.

The thing is, I already have two young children with my husband. We weren't planning on having any more just yet, so this gift is a bit ill-timed. Also, if G wanted me to have another baby, I don't understand why he didn't send my husband to have sex with me, since I do that willingly.

I don't want to be ungrateful after everything that G has done for me.  He has given me a number of gifts over the years, but this is the first one that landed me in the hospital. Honestly, it really doesn't sound like him at all, but this other person claims to know all about it.

What do you think, Abby? Did G really send this person to forcibly impregnate me against my wishes as a gift, or is the person who told me that just trying to make themselves look important? 

A Bad Night on World of Tanks (Trigger Warning)

I while ago, I posted about how much I was enjoying playing World of Tanks. I still am enjoying the game, but last night, a player did something that made me consider never playing it again.

I knew what I was getting into when I started playing an online game. The gamer community is not the most courteous or politically correct group of people one will ever encounter. They insult people. They talk trash. They rant. They whine.  OK, fine. Whatever.

They also employ no shortage of racial slurs, sexist language, and rape references. Not fine, but the game has limited communications and I don't control the universe, so I just try to ignore that stuff.

Last night, however, one of the players took it too far. He "raped" me.

I was driving a type of tank called a tank destroyer. This tank is not very maneuverable and its gun doesn't turn all the way around. My tank was damaged in such a way that I couldn't turn or move, rendering me unable to defend myself from anyone who wasn't directly in front of me. An enemy tank approached me from behind. Instead of destroying my tank by shooting it, he instead announced via chat that there would now be butt-rape, and proceeded to kill me slowly, a few points at a time, by ramming my tank repeatedly and rhythmically from behind. It was icky, to say the least. There was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I felt like vomiting. He clearly intended it to echo a rape (as he explicitly said so) and he succeeded.

I understand that these are competitive and aggressive people. I understand that they enjoy putting aside the rules of courtesy when they play and reveling in being assholes. I wish that they would understand that behavior like what I encountered last night is not being an asshole. It's not gloating.  It triggers reactions that extend well outside the scope of the game and persist long after the round is over.  If this person had been able to see me and the effect he was having, I believe (hope) that he would have stopped immediately and apologized.

I wish that these folks would understand that, despite the low incidence of women/girls in these games (gee, I wonder why that could be), there is a sadly high likelihood that there is a survivor of rape and/or sexual abuse in any given round. This includes the men/boys. There is a line that has nothing to do with politics or correctness. Crossing it doesn't make you edgy. It makes you ugly and violent.