How World of Tanks Ate My Brain

For about two years now, my best friend has been playing World of Tanks. He's been playing a lot. And by a lot, I mean he recently played his 4000th round. I was really surprised by this because, while he likes tank games, he doesn't like online games that you play with groups of other people. I kept expecting him to get fed up with that part of it and move on, but he didn't.

About six months ago, he started telling me hopefully about how you could now "platoon" with another person so both of you would always be on the same team. "Oh crap," thought I. "He wants to me to play some stupid-ass video game."

I hate video games. I like playing card games on the computer, but I really dislike most video games. I hate games you can't pause. I hate playing against other people. I hate games where you have to drive. I hate games where you have to shoot. I I have terrible problems with directionality, reading maps, and orienting myself in first-person view games. World of Tanks has all of those things.

Needless to say, I declined to platoon.

A few weeks ago, I was in a particularly good mood and as he was finishing a round of the game, I said I wanted to try playing a a round. He couldn't hand me laptop fast enough. So, I played a round of the stupid game. Then he tried to get the laptop back. Which didn't work out well because it turns out that I love this game. I shouldn't love it. It has everything I hate in a game, but somehow they managed to balance all the elements in such a way that I'm having an absolute blast playing it.

Currently, I've got an M3 Stuart. Some of the players know everything about the actual tanks, but I'm doing pretty well just to remember the name of the one I'm driving. The game has tried to be pretty good about replicating the actual capabilities and features of all the tanks in the game, but where it really shines is where they decided that purity just isn't fun.

When you enter a round, you are on one of about 20 maps with 29 other tanks, 15 to a team. The other tanks may or may not ever have been on the same field as yours in real life, or even in the same war. WWI American tanks are mixed with WWII German tanks. Chinese tanks are teamed with French tanks. The only thing that controls which 30 tanks end up in the same round is that they fall in the same range of  capabilities. A Tier I tank doesn't find itself in the middle of ten Tier 7's, which just wouldn't be any fun at all. None of the maps are real places and none of the battles ever happened. The rules are simple and the possible strategies are endless. Some people can't drive. Others can fire accurately while driving backwards in a circle. Those who get killed continue to shout advice at the survivors via chat. It's exciting and addictive and a giant pile of fun.

However, this game is eating my brain, especially when I'm driving my car. I find that I am taking corners tightly and carefully to avoid ambush. I am certain that all bushes conceal an enemy about to fire on me. I have to resist pausing before I crest hills and stop myself from hanging sharp rights into fields to avoid staying on the roads. I have to remember that my 2002 Taurus cannot crash through walls or drive over other cars. I wonder why my artillery is not taking out the oncoming traffic.

I plan to continue playing this game, but if you are driving through my area, be careful. I may be "hull down" on the other side of a hill or camping in the bushes waiting to strike.